Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
