do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
