I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
