like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
