The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
