she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
