you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
