I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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