I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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