East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
how drunk are you?
Several
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
