"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
