Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
