just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
