He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
