Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
