kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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