i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Swine flu is the new snow day.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
