Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
