I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
