Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Randomize
