She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
