Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
