im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
