I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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