Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
being pregnant is like rehab
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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