we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
