In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
