apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
