I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
