Moan for me like Helen Keller
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
