I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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