my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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