I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is wine microwaveable?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
third nipple confirmed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
