Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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