I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
