Can i not drive my cunt home
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
there's paper in my vomit.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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