So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
