Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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