if only i could text you this smell
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
