I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
