And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
