So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
