My friends, they love my intelligence
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
