One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
