Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
