yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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