i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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