I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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