Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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