her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There r osticjed everywhere
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
