the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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